sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
