I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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