Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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