Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Come see our sink grown plant.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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