Cold hands, warm shart.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
