She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
