i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
