Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
