I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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