Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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