I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
