you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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