I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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