Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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