Yo dont text me then not text me
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
