never play flip cup with pint glasses
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
