he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
