You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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