I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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