if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize