were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
