he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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