so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
