yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
