P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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