Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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