This girl is more easily done than said...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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