White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
