So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
