nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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