Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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