you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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