im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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