Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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