just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
