Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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