he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
