Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
