I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
