the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
True college students do jello shots in the library
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
