I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
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