Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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