hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
