I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I forget how to act sober
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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