shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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