I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
