i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
