Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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