she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
