if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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