Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
