i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
