Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
