I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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