I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Boobs speak an international language.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
