2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
