I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
