Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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