So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
