While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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